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Conditioned Dreams


I wake up to a glorious morning with birds that are chirping cartoonishly. I’m wearing a beautiful flowing night gown that isn’t hot or itchy and my face is already impeccably made up, not the usual crusted mascara bits that are stuck in the wrinkles of my undereye. No, it’s a beautiful morning, nothing less than perfection.

As I float to the bathroom I’m greeted by woodland creatures that talk and have made themselves useful by making my morning tea. “One bag of peppermint tea or two?” I ask a smiling deer. “Two!” he exclaims with enthusiasm that only a cartoon deer can muster. I take my tea and throw open the bathroom door to find it much bigger than the six sq ft that I’m used to and without bras scattered on the floor.

Along the walls are shelves of every imaginable organic and expensive conditioner known to man. Aubrey Organics, Aveda, Yes to Carrots; you name it, it’s there perfectly stocked and polished.

“My word,” I whisper softly. “How did this happen?”
My husband appears in the bathroom doorway and says in a faraway voice reminiscent of the nanny from The Omen, “It’s all for you, babe. It’s all for you.”

I give him a quick peck on the cheek and slam the door on him. I then dance around bathroom, twirling about with arms reaching upward, head thrown back laughing. What a blessed morning.

Which one do I try first? Should I give myself a deep conditioner with Miss Jessie’s Super Sweetback Treatment or should I get a couple of the cartoon racoons to do it for me? After all, they have such agile fingers. 

Conditioners in the air, conditioners in my hair, Conditioners everywhere. Conditioners, conditioners, conditioners. . .

“Babe?” My world begins to crumble. . . “Babe?” I feel a strong hand on my shoulder as I frantically grab all the Giovanni Leave-In I can. No! Not now! “Babe, I gotta get going.”

I roll over in bed to see my husband fully dressed for work; waking me up to kiss me goodbye. There are crumbly bits of mascara stuck in my eyes. “Love you, babe,” I murmur to him. Blurgh. Gotta get up and feed our rabbit who is not trained to make tea.