I’ve decided that 2013 will be the year that I will not make promises to myself. Especially the ones I don’t plan keeping.
I should clarify myself. I will not make edicts that are set in stone. Decrees on how to live my life. Instead, I’ll just give things a shot.
I’ll not watch my weight. In fact, I’m not going to step on a single scale this year. I think it’s best that I not track myself, attaching a number to my value. 200 on a scale, ruled my world last year. My solution to that? Buy clothes that fit my body and try to eat breakfast in the morning so I don’t eat everything in the fridge by 3:00 pm. That’s all I want to do about that.
I’m not doing to drink less. I think I’m way past the age of coming home late from the bar, spilling out of a cab and into my home. But I will always enjoy my “at the end of a long work-day whiskey.” I’m drinking and smoking as I type this post. I’m okay with that.
Exercise? That mere fact that I’m on my feet for six hours of the day at a bookstore should suffice. I will not sign up for a gym membership, only to have them extort money from me two years later.
No, I’m not interested in “first of the year” bullshit that will dropped in February. You all know what I mean. The refreshing feeling of a new year presenting itself, the lofty ambitions, the pressure to uphold them, and the eventual let down.
I’m working on giving myself a break. After so many years of putting pressure on myself to be something, I’ve realized that I’m already something. Now I must maintain and evolve. So I’m keeping the year “open to modification.”
I’ve told you all of the things I won’t do, now, perhaps it’s time to tell you what I will do. I hope to become a more active participant in my own life. There were many years where my life was play and I wasn’t playing any of the major characters. Instead, I was in the audience watching. . . and getting bored.
I complained to my friend, Melissa, that I wasn’t “doing” enough. I think a lot, perhaps, too much, but where was there time to actually “do?” She confessed to having the same problem and joked that we should get together and think about doing more.
The problem I have is thinking so much that doing becomes a far off impossibility. It becomes a scary proposition because I’ve already put myself off of it.
Another friend, Sarah, gave me excellent advice that she picked up: Don’t talk about what you want to do with others. Just do it. Now, I realize I’ve told you all a lot already! But I didn’t tell you everything 😉 I have things lined up for my year that I’m actually working on now. I haven’t over-thought most of them, I’ve just thrown myself in, worrying about the results later.
It’s a point that my therapist, Nancy, tried to drill into my head. She always told me: “Charish, who are you trying to impress? If you want to do something, who do you need to have a pow-wow with? Just do it and apologize later. Better yet, don’t apologize at all.”
I’m learning, little by little, that life is a work in progress. You never getting everything you want to get done, done. You leave plenty loose ends, you drop many projects and hobbies in favor of others. But really, are there any rules? Only the rules you impose on yourself.
No one’s holding my feet to the fire. When I realized that, it somehow gave me the confidence to breathe easier. To maintain and evolve. This isn’t to say that I’m so Zen that I won’t be stressed by anything ever again. But a resolution(less) year might be the low bar I need to set, in order to things done.
I’ll let you know how it goes. Or maybe I won’t.