- Real-life “Anastasias” TELL ALL!
- Book 4 on the way!
- 93% of women want to spice up their relationships with role-play!
- 20 books even steamier than Shades:
- Men speak up: “It should be required reading for all of us!”
- Release your inner goddess!
And I wasn’t even past the COVER!
As I sighed loudly, disturbing those around me at Barnes & Noble, I grabbed the magazine and headed to a table to dissect it.
50 Shades of Grey, if you’ve been living under a rock (perhaps that’s a good thing), is the answer to reading erotica, housewives have been looking for. It’s a terrible book for a myriad of reasons. It’s poorly written, yes, the characters are unimaginative and flat, the plot is like a slice of Swiss cheese, and more importantly, the message it’s sending to women is:
“I know he’s emotionally damaged, has anger and control issues, but dammit I’m Disney Princess enough to change him!”
That’s my problem with this book. It promotes an unhealthy and unrealistic view of what “love” is. I’m not even talking about the BSDM culture (that EL James clearly neglected to research before writing). I’m talking about the clear misogyny that is supposed to be more palatable with a Happy Ending.
If a man has enough money to lavish you with tons of finery and all he wants in return is to control your body and mind, you’ve made it, haven’t you? If you’re not in charge of something as tiring as your sexuality, your life will be freed up to mop floors! This plays into our Cinderella Complex rather nicely.
This magazine was just like I thought it would be and less. “50 Shades is more than a book: it’s a movement,” read the first page. What I think they meant was that women were now allowed to talk about sex again (at saucy book clubs). In reading the magazine, I found women were allowed to do some of the same old shit:
Buy shit— The advertisements and sponsorship money was given to this magazine by the usual suspects, adult toy shops, lingerie stores, and the like. I don’t mind those at all. Women should have a toy on hand and wearing frilly undies are nice every once in awhile. But there were some covert signs of consumption as well. If you want champagne like characters Anastasia and Christian, they recommend a relatively inexpensive kind ($60 a bottle). If you want sexy nails to impress your suitor, they recommend brands and colors. If you want that “just got fucked” hair, they recommend a hair product that promises “sexy post-sex hair!”
Change yourself— If you want a taut, smokin’ hot body that would make a Christian-type fella fall in love with you, try this exercise regiment (a woman with small weights is shown doing squats). There’s also an Anastasia DIET!! Pancakes are allowed because that’s what Anastasia made herself the next morning, after losing her virginity.They have calcium for her over worked bone!
Above all else, be more feminine!— There are great tips on how to make yourself more available, but not too aggressive. Don’t send double texts to make sure he’s still there. That looks desperate! And on Facebook, please untag undesirable pictures. If he finds a skanky picture, he’ll think you’re skanky. Please don’t make that “duck face” (I don’t know what that looks like), there has to be better poses out there!
So yes, I basically read a Cosmopolitan without realizing it. I guess the most interesting bit of the magazine was where the men weighed in. A married firefighter got a chance to secretly read the book before his wife did and the only unrealistic aspect of Christian Grey’s character was: “He can have sex and then five minutes later, have sex again.”
The ONLY unrealistic aspect??!!
Noah was tired of me giving off exasperated sighs and whispering “whaaa?” He literally had to reach across the table and use his finger to unfurrow my brow. “You have to stop reading that.” And I wanted to but I felt obliged to press on, even though the magazine had nothing left to give. I had to wrap my mind around this supposed sexual revolution.
The birth control pill, that was a catalyst for a sexual revolution.Women could finally decide what they wanted to put inside of their collective uteri. Babies didn’t have to happen just like that, forcing a woman to stay home. The vibrator! That was a catalyst for a quieter sexual revolution. I don’t need your penis to make myself happy! I’ve got two hands and a gadget! (Which makes me wonder why Anastasia had never bothered to check out masturbation. It’s totally free and totally safe and didn’t make her go on a weird diet)
This book and this watered down role playing lifestyle will never be enough to pull women together and demand our rights from men. How big of a role will this book play in the upcoming elections. Not big enough, I’m afraid. We’re dealing with politicians who are outwardly after women’s rights. Whether it be abortion, birth control pills, protecting us from rapists or spousal abuse.
What this book does allow us to do is read erotica in public and feel okay about it. Because it’s mass literature. Erotica has been around for thousands of years, good erotica, at that! I repeat, way better erotica has been written before this book! This book allows us to escape into unrealistic and damaging “playrooms” while forgetting the real struggle for sexual liberation.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to purchase some handcuffs and rope in order to save my marriage.